I have this tree in front of my house. It's huge, and has probably been there for a good 40 years or more. It's covered in pretty ivy and some flowering plant that smells pretty nice. In the spring it's home to iddle bitty cute pudgy birds that eat the bugs that live in it's branches and fluffy chipmunks that scurry up and down it's trunk. It's leafy boughs shade my little house and keep it cool all summer long. In summer it is a blessing.


It's fall that's the problem.


You see, when fall in Oregon hits and all the leaves turn crispy and orange, an evil lurks in my pretty tree. An evil that litters my yard and driveway, that bangs all night long, that causes great black stains to appear on my porch and my living room rug. An evil that startles my cats when their napping and dents and dings parked and passing cars. It's an evil my friends, that will leave a knot the size of golf ball on your head or shoulders. This evil causes me to run from the corner of my street to my front porch on windy days in fear.


This evil, is The Walnuts.


Great nasty greenish grey husk-covered Walnuts. They fall from way up high in the tree and zoom down on their targets with a walnutty fury. They bang, splat, thump and bounce of every single surface within twenty yards of the tree. They're smelly, slimy and extremely annoying when six or seven fall off at once in the middle of the night.


And their leathal.


Today Elaine became the first victim of the season. Minding her own busniess while walking under the tree to deliver the mail to my Grandmother she was startled by a burst of wind that signaled the arrival of The Foe. While attempting to flee to safety she was struck viciously in the head by a Walnut. She survived the ordeal with a slight bump on the head and a few harsh words about The Walnuts.


"They're Evil" She said.


I agree. Unfortunatly there is nothing I can do to combat this foe. Perhaps I will walk my life with an oversized umbrella in hand, or raid a nearby construction site in the attempt to steal a hardhat. But, in the meantime, as I search to find one who is so brave as to risk going under my tree (Or one who would steal two hardhats, and give one to me) to rake the mess that is piling up in my yard and drivway, I realize that fall and winter will be long in my house, while The Walnuts dive until all that is left on the tree bare branches is the ivy and the few leaves which refuse to fall. And each day those who must wander under my tree take the risk of being horribly maimed or meet their death by one of those mischievous green flying orbs. It would be an interesting way to go.