Ah, it's officialy Summer. A warm, joyous season whose coming is marked by the bloom of Summer flowers, the buzz of bees and the weekend decorating of power poles with rarely legible signs. These signs, no matter if they're made from high quality vinyl or smeared cardboard, all declare the same message: Summer is the season for sales. Not just any sales, but the magical sales of Summer, the ones you find up and down Any Street U.S.A in someone's front yard or garage where loads of junk which nobody wants anymore can be begrudgingly bought by parents for happy children for only thirty-five cents. The first step to enjoying these traditions of Summer is to acquaint yourself with the knowledge that even though all might carry the chance that the Dress-Me-Up G.I. Joe you've been looking for is on a table somewhere, not all sales are created equal. So, in order to help you make the most of your saleing experience (and to avoid doing work), I bring you, the types of yard sales.

You're welcome.


The Yard Sale:
The most well known of all the sales is the Yard Sale, and is traditionally held in the large green area in front of a home. This type of sale is often named a Garage Sale by accident, by people who we hope do this because they're novices at hosting a sale and not because they planted grass on their garage floor. Yard Sales come in all shapes and sizes, and can be properly identified by bored people sitting in lawn chairs staring at large tables and items of furniture covered in unwanted presents of holidays gone by.

The Garage Sale:
The second most popular type of sale is known as the Garage Sale. These sales are typically held in someone's garage, or possibly under their carport. These types of sales can be somewhat cramped and often have a slightly odd smell that can be vaguely reminiscent of poorly ventilated sweat socks. These sales can be a great place to find a treasure, but beware, make sure that before you stop at what you think is a Garage Sale you confirm that it is in fact what it seems to be, and not just a messy, open garage. Explaining why you are digging through boxes in someone's garage to the local police will surely put a damper on your sale experience.

The Estate Sale:
Normally held after someone has passed away (or occasionally by a disgruntled relative who is house sitting) the Estate Sale is generally an open-house type sale where everything inside can be purchased or stolen when nobody is looking. These sales can be a great way to acquire an entire collection of bright pink china or dolls in knitted parasol dresses, if these are the types of things you desire.

The Rummage Sale:
Held in backrooms or basements of churches, Rummage Sales are typically run by kindly little old women to try and raise money for their churches. Found mostly during the holiday season, these types of sales have a lot of old books, Avon bottles, and hand crafted items such as quilts for purchase. These types of sales also may sell or serve refreshments, which may or may not taste like the nearby Avon smells, to the shoppers who braved smacking their heads on low ceilings while trampling up and down stairwells.

The "Huge" Sale:
Also known as the "Gigantic" Sale and the "Humongous" Sale this type of sale is a pure myth. Once lured into following the signs proclaiming a "Huge Sale" shoppers often find themselves stuck at the end of a dead end one way street or in a corn field two counties over. Sometimes shoppers will get lucky and come across the elusive "Huge" Sale but are often sorely disappointed when it turns out to be a blanket spread on the grass with a few items of clothing, olive green lamps from the 1950's, and some used tires.

The Four Family Sale:
Four Family Sales are usually located in upper-middle class neighborhoods and are generally when mothers get together to sell their used baby items. Items at Four Family Sales are commonly overpriced as the mothers selling them have forgotten that their children were born decades ago and nobody has any use for polyester infant leisure suits. These types of sales are, however, a good way to stock up on baby or toddler toys, good children's furniture, and the occasional sailboat.

The Block Sale:
Block Sales are when people from an entire block wide community get together and decide to obstruct traffic and annoy non-participating neighbors by holding a sale. Some of the major types of sales described above can be found in a Block Sale, including the Yard Sale, Garage Sale and Four Family Sale. Block Sales also include stands or tables where children often pressure shoppers into buying watered down lemonade and hard cookies for six times their market value.

Sales are a great way to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon this Summer. Next time you find yourself out and about and notice a sign with a bright florescent arrow pasted to it, I hope you follow it (and find it) and enjoy yourself while digging through someone else's junk. So, happy sales to you, and remember, all sales might not be created equal but all of them hold the equal chance of you finding their contents in the garbage can if you are willing to wait long enough.

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