I'm having issues with my nose. No, not the it's huge and I need to have it done type of problems. I do not have a big nose. My nose is dainty! average and I like it. No it's not because I'm picking it (or letting my friends pick it, for that matter. I don't love my friends that much), so don't even get into that. It's just plain disgusting. I prefer my protein from children and small, rare woodland animals.

I've had four bloody noses in the last two days. To my knowledge I have not bumped my nose into anything. I would hope, even if I'm growing old, that I'd remember if I walked into a wall or slammed it into a headboard. No, I have not done anything that would get my head slammed in a headboard either. Really, you people and your filthy minds.

I don't recall angering anyone in a bar/alley/subway/church to the point that they popped me one, and I certainly don't think I've shoved anything up there like a raisin or a marble (or a hot pepper seed, which I did once when I was four, and don't ever want to do again, thankyouverymuch) so what's the problem?

I woke up once the other night with blood everywhere. I thought for a moment that I'd gone and murdered someone without my knowledge and did a poor job of cleaning up the mess. Then twice yesterday I just spontaneously spewed blood everywhere. It's a perfectly good way to ruin a sandwich, let me tell you. I was lucky I was not in public...although I wouldn't say no to some cute EMT guys coming to my rescue. Then once this morning when I was, of all things, brushing my teeth and did whap my nose a little.

Is it stress? The heat? An alien? Have I contracted a rare nose disease? Am I going to have to have it coterized? I won't get it done! I'll bleed to death first! They don't freaking numb you for that crap! Is my nose going to fall off? I'm going to look right stupid with no nose on my face. I need my nose, it's good for things, like smelling. I like smelling. I'm good at it. I don't want it to go away.

Help me.