For one of my CG classes, I had to take the SDS Career Assessment Test. For those of you who don't know, SDS stands for Self-Directed Search and Career Assessment Test means 'you'll be a funeral director'. This stupid test is used to help you find the career that best suits you (and we all know that's either said funeral director, or a florist). Personally, I think this is bogus, and no test can help you find what's best for you, but I'm always fair game to be psychoanalyzed by little check boxes, so I took it. I actually never did the tests in high school, so what could it hurt?

The first page of the test has you list eight occupations you've always dreamed about doing. This section is titled 'Occupational Daydreams' which tells me right away that the person who created this test completely sneers at the chance of anyone who takes it actually getting any of the careers they list. This section has two parts, first you list what you want, then you use a booklet called The Occupations Finder to locate the career you listed, and write down it's corresponding three letter nonsense code in little boxes.

The ironic part of this test is, nearly 90% of the students in the class, including myself, didn't have the career of their dreams even listed in The Occupations Finder. This meant that you had to erase lines, and put in things that are as-close-as-possible in their place. As close as possible, meaning nowhere near the same.

So, off I set, erasing my dreams and filling them in with new and wondrous careers that sort of resembled what I really wanted to do, in odd ways.

1. Crime laboratory Analyst

It might sound like the same, but trust me, it's not.

2. Corner

I could live out my ghoulish tendencies. But, I'll only be one if I can be the CME. Which, by the way, was not listed as a career I could have.

3. Pathologist

Again, not the same. Similar though.

4. Teacher, Preschool

Because, when all else fails, do what you know how to do.

5. Pediatrician


6. Detective

Just call me Columba!

7. Psychologist, school

Will they let me medicate the kids?

The Occupations booklet was full of all sorts of weird jobs that you wouldn't think anyone would actually chose in the first place. 'Dressmaker', 'Dairy Farmer' and 'Juggler' were some of the favorites. Also listed were the jobs you know perfectly well you'd never get anyway, such as 'President' and 'Astronaut'. Yet, realistic jobs, like 'Doctor' were missing.

And so, this extremely moronic exercise finally brought me to the last career, number eight. A highly rewarding career that would make any young woman (such as yours truly) the pride of her family and community. A job that, as a young child, I spent hours dressing up and pretending go off in the grown up world, and work at. With glee (honest, I actually giggled) I wrote this down with a flourish:

8. Mime

Yesssss! Mime! It was listed right there on page seven! I mentally pumped my fist in the air and hooted. It's what I always wanted to be. It's, as the book called it, my occupational aspiration. I'd finally found my true calling, and now my life is complete. I never realized that the reason why I was so unhappy in my life is because I was missing daily public humiliation and scorn! I'm pretty sure I wept.

So, I finished the rest of the test (which involves a lot of answering dumb questions, like, 'How much do you like taking a math course?'. How much do you think I like taking a math course?) and figured it all out. Unfortunately 'Mime' did not come up as the career for me, but I say screw them! I'm going to be a mime anyway. I'll be a damn good mime too. So, `scuse me, I think I'll go grease my face up right now and walk my invisible dog.


My face is broken.
Horrible pressure and pain,
Did I smack a wall?

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