"eHarmony is the best way for you to build a lasting relationship. We combine precise matching technology with the guidance of a caring and expert hand. We will not only work to find someone who is truly compatible with you, we'll also make it easier to meet and get to know each other."

You've probably heard about them, unless you live under a rock somewhere. eHarmony is currently the most popular and wealthy online dating site. Using a test that covers what they claim to be the most important 29 dimensions of compatibility, they match you with people who are supposed to be perfect for you.

Last night, during Carrie, I got bored. It's not that I was taking the fact that there were horror movies on for granted, mind you. It's just that I've seen Carrie so many times that I can recite most of it. A Munsters movie is on right now, but I'm getting off topic. The point was, I was bored. So I was just sitting here an one of those annoying eHarmony commercials came on, and I decided what the heck. So I pop on and took the "free" test that's a supposed $40.00 value. After you complete it, they give you what they consider to be your best matches.

So the online quiz...erm sorry, personality profile is about a million questions long and took me about 20 minutes to fill out. Most of them are rating and 'most like/least like' type question. I get through all the nonsense of the quiz and hit submit and I get this:

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive testing of married individuals. One of the requirements for it to work successfully is for participants to fall into our rigorously defined profiles. If we aren't able to match a user well using these profiles, the most considerate approach is to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish and enjoy happy, lasting relationships that we choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching system is not suitable for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply would not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand that we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

Apparently, I'm so completely abnormal that a company who charges nearly three-hundred dollars a year can't match me up with any known species of the genus Homo on the face of the planet. Way to make a girl feel good about herself. It hurt my feelings for about a tenth of a nanosecond. Luckily for me, I could still look at my profile results, that would make it all better, right? I mean, I know I stabbed you in the face with the pencil, but hey, you can keep the pencil if you want.

I take a peek at the profile, and found that I was actually quite surprised, they hit me pretty well on the head with their profile. It had things like this listed, that were quite true:

* Your style shows you to be a much better listener than many other styles. You will listen carefully and attend to what others say. People who are talkative by nature may seek you out because of the natural audience you provide.

* You may be well thought of because you rarely antagonize others or rarely want the spotlight.

* When treated fairly, you can be sound and stable and seen as a dedicated and devoted individual. You hesitate to say no and will seldom, if ever, attack.

Yeah. I'm nice. I am not a confrontational person. I don't cause problems and when I'm faced with them, I don't belittle or name call, I just want to work it out. Also, I don't hold grudges. I am, in essence, no fun to fight with. I'm loyal, kind, and semi-amusing. So, obviously I'm an adult and can handle an adult relationship like...an adult, so what gives? Do I have to be shallow and selfish in order to be matched up with someone?

I start looking around, and I found out a whole ton of fun things about this company. Like, they're owned by very right-wing Christians who are affiliated with Focus on the Family. That in itself tells me a whole bunch right there. I'm not saying that they discriminate against other religions, but I am saying that it, combined with other things such as your responses to how much your religion is important to you, and what religion (if any) you pick during your profile for yourself and your matches probably all figure in.

Also, I've been told the eHarmony software matches girls with guys who are taller then they are. This is another strike against me, seeing as how I'm a giant and they can't match me up because the only man in existence who is taller then me is my brother. That, my friends, would just be wrong.

Fred also took it, and failed to meet their standards of people who deserve to be loved. That wasn't really that big of a surprise though. (kidding! I'm just kidding!)

I also noticed a few other things. One is that they don't offer same-sex matching. Which of course irked Fred all out. The fact that they don't think that same-sex love is a valid love really should tip people off. Maybe they didn't pick me because my profile said I was tolerant? That's such a dirty, dirty personality trait.

Also, under the religions questions, some of them, such as Wiccan and atheist or Agnostic, weren't listed (that I remember), you were just given an "other" or "not religious" category. I can understand some smaller religions, but not Wiccan? That's a major religious group. Of course, now that I know this service is mainly for good God Fearing Christians I get it. Catholic wasn't listed either.

They did have "Spiritual but not religious" listed, which was what I picked. That was probably my downfall right there. I'm tall and I'm a heathen, no man will ever love me. I guess it's time to give in and start stealing the neighborhood cats and eating Vienna sausages straight out of the can. Spinsterhood here I come!


I need to eat lunch.
Pizza, or soup, or maybe
eat nothing at all.

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